All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
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