the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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