i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
Randomize
