I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
