We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Randomize
