She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
