I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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