I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
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