i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
I use my feet as sexual weapons
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