So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
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I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
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We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize