I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
