I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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