She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
