Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
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