I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
