I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
