We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
