she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
