The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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