I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
