Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
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