Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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