pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Randomize
