turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
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