i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
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