Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
