dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I said "one day" and that day is not today
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
