he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
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