Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
Randomize
