I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
