She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
