you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
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Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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