I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
