when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Randomize
