woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
