I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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