It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
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When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
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Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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