i wish there were pregnant emoticons
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Randomize
