I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
