you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I didn't notice because vodka
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Randomize
