The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Randomize
