The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
