we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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