We named our party play list daddy issues
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though