just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
