Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
These 25 Drunks Should’ve Gotten Cut Off A Long Time Ago
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
27 Freshmen Who Really Didn’t Know What They Were Getting In To
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.