dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
