I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I have already put on my inside pants.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
