Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
