She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
