I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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