After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Randomize
