god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Randomize
