Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
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I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
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just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
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