I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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