Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
