so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
